Smart Spam

So here's another one of my ideas that I DON'T WANT to exist. But I can't help thinkin' up shit.
(And, hey, it probably already DOES exist, and I just don't know about it yet.)
The idea is Smart Spam. Imagine you're on your FB page or something, and a window pops up that kinda LOOKS like an IM window. Actually, even more insidiously, maybe it's even disguised as one of your friends. You can have an instant message conversation with this thing that actually resembles a real conversation. The "person" is responding to what you're saying (or at least seems like they are, albeit somewhat distracted or maybe drunk.) At a certain point in the conversation, the person "sells" you on some product, or encourages you to check out some website. Thinking it's your friend, you do. Just got suckered!


The whole time, behind the scenes, it's not a real person at all. It's a piece of software that's programmed to interact with and respond to what you type. A talk bot. Really simple technology that's pretty easy to program. (I even programmed one myself when I was a teenager: http://www.whimnova.com/VI.html)


Okay, there it is. Please don't blame me for it when it starts actually happening.
(Shirks in shame.)

Douché

I'm now officially using this website to claim neologisms before they enter the mainstream.

(See my article on "Take a chillaxtive!")

Kinda like the urban legend of a "Poor Man's Patent": that you can mail yourself an idea and don't open the envelope so the post date is on there, so later in court you can "prove" that you came up with it first.

...Kinda like that, I'm using my website to "prove" that I came up with certain neologisms FIRST.

The following is not my invention, but is entirely the brainchild of my best friend Josh. (And I will swear on a stack of Bibles that it was indeed him who came up with it.)

Ready for it?

So, pretend you're at a party and a really lame dude says something witty and contrarian. This is the type of situation where a person would say "Touché", right? (Which, incidentally, I read somewhere is a French term taken from fencing. It just means "touch." It's kinda like saying "nice move, you win," right?)

So here's the side-splitting new twist on that idea: Instead of saying "touché," you say "douché!"

AH HA HA HA! "Douché!"


(Drawing by Katie)

Awesomize old shoes

I've been meaning to post more of my crafty DIY-type projects up here. (Shoot, I've been meaning to post more up here at ALL. I've been so busy with my rain barrel company, I haven't had time to invent useless crap.)


But anyway, here's something I did a while back that I've been meaning to put up here.


I had an old pair of shoes that were kinda ugly on the outside.

[Shown are a different pair, but you get the idea]


And I wanted to awesomize them. So I got a pelt from an old green carebear doll, cut it up and I used Gorilla Glue to stick the pieces on the outside. I didn't really have a pattern for cutting out the pelt, so I just started sticking pieces on and cutting off the excess. If you try it, it's way easier than you think. (But not super easy either, I mean, it's probably an intermediate-level craft project. If crafting were a ski slope, it would be a blue square.)

When I wear them out, most people think they are slippers, and they wonder how I'm able to do such awesome dance moves in them. ("Wouldn't that require more friction?")Then I show them my soles, and they are amazed and they want to be me.

I would have never expected to fall in love with...

Ever since I started listening to music, I've gravitated towards "harder" and "harder" rock. I like fast. I like constant rhythmic variation. I like enthusiasm (not so much aggression, as enthusiasm). Screaming makes me happy.

So, as the years went on, my music path went from "mild to spicy":
1995 Weezer
1996 Smashing Pumpkins
1997 Rage Against the Machine
2000 At the Drive-In, Tool
Around 2004, Emperor took the throne for a couple of years. This is the loudest, meanest, fastest shit I've ever heard!
So, of course, when THAT got boring, I thought I'd hit rock-bottom of "hardness." I was bummed. I had no interest in music for like three years. (During this time, I started doing karaoke every night. THAT put the final nail in the coffin which read 'I hate music'.)

Then... THEN.. last year Josh laid "August Burns Red" on me.

I got REALLY high, and I fell in love with music again. This shit is SO FUCKING GOOD I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT.
I'm listening to it right now as I write this, and I'm so bouncy inside, I can barely type.
Go to YouTube and see what I mean.

I've listened to Messengers and/or Constellations everyday for the last year, and I'm not bored of it.
It has everything I love about metal (speed, melody, screaming, virtuoso musicianship, abrupt rhythmic shifts and unusual meters), and none of what I DON'T like: extended dissonance, repetition, nihilism, leather.

Then, one day, I said "Hey, Josh, August Burns Red gives me a boner."
And he was like (wait for it....) "Yeah, August Burns Red is Christian metal from back when I was evangelical."
After throwing up in the bushes, I realized I would just have to live with the fact that my favorite band is Christian Metal. CHRISTIAN METAL!

Of all the twists and turns my life has taken, this is the one I expected least.

But, you know, I used to listen to Satanic metal, and I didn't identify as a Satanist. Why can't I just like the music for music without having ideology rear its ugly head?
Does this say anything about ME? Does it MEAN something that I like this? Probably not. It just means I like having my brain tickled from all angles by machine-gun fast polyphony. The machine gun of Christ.

Take a chillaxitive!

When the word "Chillaxitive" enters common parlance (as in "Take a chillaxitive!"), let the record show that I invented it.

No Delete Week

I read something on the Greenpeace website about this thing called the Trash Vortex which is (This is from the Greenpeace website:) an area the size of Texas in the North Pacific in which an estimated six kilos of plastic for every kilo of natural plankton, along with other slow degrading garbage, swirls slowly around like a clock, choked with dead fish, marine mammals, and birds who get snared. Some plastics in the gyre will not break down in the lifetimes of the grandchildren of the people who threw them away.

Today I got some mail. It was a big package. Inside the big box was a smaller box, wrapped in bubble wrap, and inside that box was more bubble wrap, and inside that was another box.

As I unwrapped the layers, my roommates and I all laughed about how much packaging it took to deliver the thing. We started saying "Think about how much packaging stuff comes in! It's impossible to go to the store and buy something without it coming with TRASH ATTACHED TO IT! I mean, really, think about it. Everything you buy, from a bag of rice, to a can of beans, to a piece of electronics: it all comes with packaging that essentially becomes trash the second you open it. I mean, there's NOTHING you can buy that doesn't have trash with it. Even, like, a BANANA, comes with stickers on it."

I opened the last box, and there was a brand-new mac keyboard in it.

I had forgotten that I'd ordered this a few days ago. I had been typing on my old keyboard and thinking that my fingers were going to cramp up if I kept this up. Meanwhile, Josh over heard me typing, and said "That's a really rickety old keyboard." He was right. Some of the keys would stick when you tried to push them. I needed a new keyboard. With the amount of typing I do, I needed one of those new fangled ones with the shallow, wide, springy keys. The ones that take very little effort per keystroke.

So, today, my new keyboard came in the mail.
All my roommates were impressed. I said "I'd forgotten that I sent this to myself. Sometimes I go online and order stuff, and then I forget about it. It's like an un-birthday present from past-me to present-me. Like 'I know you'll forget you ordered this. SO.. Surprise!'"

For some reason, my roommate said "What if it didn't have a backspace key?" I don't know what made him think of that, but I found it really funny. "Yeah!" I said "What if there were no backspace key, or no delete key? Life would be so different, wouldn't it? What if, just for giggles, you challenged yourself to go a WEEK without using your delete key or your backspace key? Or your undo command? Like, how would that change you?"



"I guess you'd start to be more careful," someone said. "And you'd probably have to be creative.. like if you started to spell a word wrong, you could be creative and turn it into some other word. Maybe you'd end up saying something totally different than what you were going to say in the first place, or you might end up saying the thing you were trying to say, but in a totally round-about-way.

And what if... (To connect the two frayed ends of this idea,) what if you went a week, no, a MONTH, and you weren't allowed to throw anything in the trash can? You had to take all your wrappers and packaging and everything and keep it in your room? Wow! Think about that! Your room would fill up to the brim! What would you do at that point? Probably the same thing as with the keyboard example: You'd be careful about the choices you make in the first place. And then you'd be forced to be more creative with the artifacts of those choices.

Right?

God, I'm brilliant.

3-D Object Communication Game

No human language has the proper language for 3-D shapes. Like, it's really hard to describe abstract shapes JUST using words without using the phrase "It looks like a...."

Wouldn't that be a cool game? You are given a card with a drawing of an object on it (it could actually be a 3-D object, which is much better because it's harder)
And you'd have to describe this object in words. Like, "it's a cylinder, with a triangle-shaped notch cut out..." I dunno.

Then the person you're describing to has to draw the thing you're describing.. Or in the more challenging version, they'd have to shape it out of clay. Of course, this could be intensely challenging, or really easy depending on the complexity of the shape.
You could make it competitive, of course. Like which pair is better at describing the thing so their partner will be able to render it more perfectly without seeing it.



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AHEM, OK.
I have a 3-D object in my mind. I'm going to describe it in terms of shapes and geometry. You try to form a mental image of this thing. (If you're up for the CHALLENGE, WEAKLING!!!!)

For this game, you'll need to imagine a 3-D field. Imagine the X,Y and Z axis. Look as if you're standing at Z 10 or something (let's say that means 10 meters away), so that you see Z running under your feet, like rail road tracks into the distance.
Now, coming from left to right (crossing the Z line in the middle of your field of vision) is the X axis.
From the sky to the floor (crossing the Z line in the middle of your field of vision) is the y axis.

Now I'll describe the object to you. Listen up.

Imagine a solid cylinder that's wide and short, sitting on the floor, with the circle parts of the cylinder facing towards the ceiling and towards the ground. From the floor to the top, it's about as tall as half the diameter. So it's wider than it is tall.
Let's say it's one meter wide and half a meter tall.

Now, imagine making another object. This new object will become an appendage to the first object.
Let's use the workspace IN FRONT OF the object (that 10-meter area closer to you, along the z axis) to construct the new object
Start with a rectangular prism that's as tall as the cylinder.
It's about as wide as 1/4 of the cylinder and it's about as long as the cylinder's diameter.
In terms of meters, this rectangular prism is half a meter tall, 1 meter long (z-axis) and 1/4 meter wide (x-axis).

Now let's move this prism so that it touches the cylinder. Push it directly away from you (along the z axis), toward the original object, until the far wall of the appendage touches the curved wall of the cylinder. Now, along the x axis, push the appendage to the right until the right wall of the appendage is in line with the farthest right point in the circle of the cylinder. Now push it AGAIN directly away from you in the z plane, so that it touches the cylinder again. The far left corner of the appendage object should be making contact with the cylinder.

Now, pretend that it's all made of clay.
See how only the far left corner of the appendage is touching the cylinder? And just to the right of that point of contact is empty space? Fill in that empty space by extending the far right wall of the appendage away from you in the z plane until it touches the cylinder. Extend the top and bottom walls of the appendage away from you in the z plane until they touch the cylinder. Now, you have these two objects joined.

Since it's made of clay, blend walls together, to make these two objects into one. Smooth the walls out.
Therefore, the right side of the new whole object you've created should be totally flat and straight.
Looking to the left side of the appendage, where it touches the curved wall of the cylinder, blend the walls of the appendage (in the z plane) so that it forms a nice curve into the wall of the cylinder.

Now make the whole thing hollow. Hollow it out. Do it. Make the walls thin, only about 10 centimeters thick.
Since it's hollow, you can cut into it easily, like cutting into clay. Cut an opening from floor-to-ceiling of the closest-to-you wall of the appendage.
Start the incision 10 centimeters up from the floor, 10 centimeters in from the left wall. Run the incision upward in the y-plane, so it runs parallel to the wall of the object. Stop it about 10 centimeters down from the top of the object. Withdraw your knife and get ready to make another incision.

From the point you left off, move right on the x axis, until you're 10-cm from the RIGHT wall of this object. Make another such incision top-to-bottom here, parallel to the first incision.

Now you should have two incisions that run up and down and are parallel to each other.
Now, just make two more incisions that connect the ends of these two incisions. So you just cut out a thin rectangle. Throw this away, so there's a thin slit in the wall. If you look into this slit, you'll see the hollow interior of the object.

You know the part where the "appendage" touched the main cylinder? Delete these interior walls, so when you look into the slit, you can see all the way into the hollow body of the main cynlinder.

Put your knife safely away. Now run your hand along the right wall of the appendage in the z axis. Stop when you get to around the point where the appendage met the wall of the cylinder (even though you can't see the seam, because you blended it all out a minute ago, remember?)
Cut a slit here that runs the height of the object (in the y axis). The incision should start about 10 centimeters up from the floor, and stop about 10 centimeters down from the top of the object.
Now keeping moving on the z axis, until you're about even with the center of the circle. Make another such top-to-bottom incision here.
Now you should have two incisions that run up and down and are parallel to each other.
Now, just make two more incisions that connect the ends of these two incisions. So you just cut out another rectangle. Throw away the two rectangles you just cut out.

Go back to your original vantage point. You have just created an object that's hollow and has two long rectangular slits as openings. One of the slits is on the appendage, going up and down, on the wall that faces you. And the 2nd slit is along the right side of the object, also running up and down..

Now take the entire object and rotate it 90 degrees counter-clockwise around the z axis. The appendage should now be facing you still, but its long wall, which used to be the height, is now the width. The slit in this wall is still facing you, and it's now oriented horizontally. The second rectangular slit you cut is now facing up at the sky. Got it?

Now, take your viewing position from +10 on the z axis, and move to -10, and shift your view 180 degrees in the z plane. In other words, just view the object from behind.

From this vantage point, you're basically just going to add a small object to the butt-side of this thing. It's the shape of a torus (that's the geometric name for "donut") with the hole oriented in the x plane.

Now, the size of the torus:
The torus is about as tall as one third of the circle of the original cylinder. (So, like one third of a meter) It's thin; about the width of 1/5 of a meter.
Stick the edge of this torus to the direct back of the object, directly in the middle. Solder it on firmly.

Now go back to your original viewing position.

Make a sphere with a diameter about one fourth of the height of the object.
Put this sphere directly inside the hollow cavity in the center of the object.

Now shrink the whole thing down so it's about two inches long.
Turn all of it into steel.

Now you should know what it is!
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whimstar.blogspot.com
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That was a crazy game, huh? If the players got used to the terms, it would be a lot more concise. And you probably could get to the point where you don't need any "like a...[actual object]" phrases. Because the whole point is to NOT say "it looks like a ....". The whole point is to construct the thing in someone's head without any reference to real-life objects. (I guess geometrical objects are still a reference to SOMETHING, but...)

In this exercise, obviously the object was a real object in the real world, but like I said in the introduction, it would be interesting (and more challenging) if the object was abstract.

I guess the point of the whole thing is more of a commentary on language. I wonder if aliens have a way of communicating where they could tell the other person more concisely exactly what some complicated object looks like. Like, they'd be able to "beam" the whole in-out-over-and-under schematic to the other guy, and he'd be able to imagine it instantly.

Assuming you limit the vocabulary to all geometric shapes, it's basically the same thing is 3-D modeling on the computer. Only it's probably even more annoying.

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